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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26332030">night after night</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/skai_heda/pseuds/skai_heda'>skai_heda</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: The Last Airbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Not Compliant with Avatar Comics, Past Relationship(s), Post-Canon, Slow Burn, fire lord! katara</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 13:21:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,892</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26332030</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/skai_heda/pseuds/skai_heda</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"He did not win," one of the Sages say quietly from behind her. Both Zuko and Katara lift their heads in surprise. "Prince Zuko will not become the Fire Lord."</p>
<p>Zuko stiffens against her.</p>
<p>"I don't know what you're talking about," Katara counters icily. "Zuko deserves the title. He won the Agni Kai."</p>
<p>"Except," says a Sage. "He is not the one who truly defeated Princess Azula."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Katara &amp; Sokka (Avatar), Katara/Zuko (Avatar)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>202</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. coronation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"What's in the ocean, Mama?"</p>
<p>A finger reaching to curl around dark hair. "Water, honey."</p>
<p>"No. I'm asking what's in the water."</p>
<p>Kya sweeps her daughters into her arms. "All sorts of things, Katara. Fish. Rocks. Cities. Monsters." Each word punctuated with a gentle poke to the child's round cheeks.</p>
<p>"Monsters?"</p>
<p>"There are monsters everywhere," Kya tells Katara. She has always been a loving mother, but she has never lied. "In the water and on land, sweetheart. But you and I, we fight them." Fingers tickling Katara's stomach as she squirms and protests. "We eat the monsters for breakfast."</p>
<p>Katara wrinkles her nose. "Ew."</p>
<p>Kya pokes her daughter's nose again. "You and I never have to worry about the monsters. Not as long as we have each other."</p>
<hr/>
<p>The prince of the Fire Nation, rising to his feet unsteadily. Arms curling around a waist, nose buried in that secret, sacred space between Katara's neck and shoulder.</p>
<p>"I can't stand," he tells her, so quietly that she almost doesn't hear. "I can't stand."</p>
<p>"I'll help you stand," she promises.</p>
<p>His hands migrate to her shoulders, and he uses her to push himself up a little. The pressure on her body is a little bit too much—Zuko is so much taller than her—but she is silent. She knows why he has to rise, why he has to turn his face and look upon what he's done.</p>
<p>And together, what they see is like the aftermath of dropping a glass onto the floor—shining shards of a girl scattered over the floor. Sharp. Horrible. Beautiful. Screams and pants, hair falling over golden eyes.</p>
<p>Zuko, evidently, has had enough. He falls against Katara again, and they sink to the floor together. </p>
<p>Behind them, the Fire Sages approach. </p>
<p>"You won," she tells Zuko. Her fingers find the curve of his jaw. "You won. You did it. You're going to be Fire Lord."</p>
<p>"He did not win," one of the Sages say quietly from behind her. Both Zuko and Katara lift their heads in surprise. "Prince Zuko will not become the Fire Lord."</p>
<p>Zuko stiffens against her.</p>
<p>"I don't know what you're talking about," Katara counters icily. "Zuko deserves the title. He won the Agni Kai."</p>
<p>"Except," says a Sage. "He is not the one who truly defeated Princess Azula."</p>
<p>Time has become sluggish and slow, like every movement she makes is through honey. Zuko is so stiff against her that a small part of her wonders if he has died. </p>
<p>"The winner of the Agni Kai is you," the Sage continues. "Master Katara of the Southern Water Tribe. You will be crowned Fire Lord at the end of the summer."</p>
<p>The silence grates at the inside of her brain. Slowly, she begins to laugh. "That's impossible. A member of the Water Tribe can't be Fire Lord."</p>
<p>"The laws of the Agni Kai surpass the Four Nations," another Sage tells her. At that moment, Zuko's hand twitches against hers. She has to bite back a sigh of relief. "You may not have started this duel, but you finished it. And now you claim your reward. The leadership of the Fire Nation."</p>
<p>She looks down at Zuko, whose eyes are open just slightly, golden irises peeking through narrow slits. There is an expression on his face that she cannot quite decipher. Is it anger? Is it pride? Relief?</p>
<p>"I can't," she says, still looking down at him, then she turns her head to say it again to the Fire Sages. "I can't."</p>
<p>"No choice."</p>
<p>It is Zuko who says these words, soft and weak as they are. His fingers curl around her hers. "You have to. It's the only way. Not unless I challenge you to an Agni Kai and I win."</p>
<p>"So <em>challenge me," </em>Katara murmurs. "Challenge me and beat me in an Agni Kai. You don't have to hurt me to win, right?"</p>
<p>"Yes," he says softly. "I do."</p>
<p>And they both know he would never do that. Not even if he <em>could </em>summon the strength to stand.</p>
<p>Katara feels as though she is watching herself from very far away. As though everything that happens is happening to some other cursed soul. She's distinctly aware of this pounding deep in the corners of her brain, like an animal fighting to get out of a cage.</p>
<p>"We will be preparing your quarters," says a Fire Sage. "Please, do what you can to heal the prince."</p>
<p>They are gone without wasting any more breath on words that Katara can barely even hear anymore.</p>
<p>She glances down, trying to focus on Zuko's face. It seems like the only substantial thing in the world, those eyes. The only thing that matters. The only thing that's real.</p>
<p>Katara realizes with dull shock that she's been continuing to heal him ever since they collapsed to the ground together. He seems sharper around the edges, his eyes holding her in place even if his arms cannot.</p>
<p>"We'll figure something out," she says after some time. "You and me. We always do."</p>
<p>She gets the feeling that he has stopped listening.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Katara dies soon after that. A part of her, anyway, as her clothes are replaced with red ones and her hair is undone and pulled into a different style. She is remade, just like that, at a moment's notice. Like an entire city leveled in mere seconds.</p>
<p>She's gone. Skin scrubbed clean of dirt and grime and everything that has composed her.</p>
<p>Red silk robes. Red roses in a vase by her bed. <em>Her bed—</em>a mattress the size of a small house, probably. Red silk sheets. Red pillows with golden threads. Red, red, <em>red, </em>like she drowns in a sea of blood.</p>
<p>This is nothing like the sea. She is far, far away from the water.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Zuko won?" Toph asks. They are all reunited again, Zuko now in nicer, cleaner clothes. "He's going to be Fire Lord?"</p>
<p>"What are you wearing?" Aang asks in disbelief. Katara shares a look with Zuko—or at least tries to; he can't seem to hold her gaze for longer than a second.</p>
<p>Katara swallows, frowning. How does one even confess something like this?</p>
<p>She had a speech prepared. In the hours of gazing up at the golden ceilings of her expansive chambers, she had gathered some sort of idea of what to say.</p>
<p>It seems to have all disappeared now, melted somewhere between her brain and her mouth.</p>
<p>"Lady Katara," one of her attendants say, walking into the room. "The Fire Sages would like to see you for the primary rites of your coronation as the Fire Lord."</p>
<p>Aang's eyes pop out of his head, almost. Katara can't help herself; "Why?" she asks abruptly.</p>
<p>The attendant shifts uncomfortably. "There is much to be done before the actual coronation, my lady."</p>
<p>Zuko reaches up to rub the back of his neck.</p>
<p>"Thank you... Daiyu," Katara replies, needing a minute to remember the attendant's name. </p>
<p>Daiyu nods, recognizing it as a dismissal as she slowly backs out of the room.</p>
<p>Sokka crosses his arms, looking somber. "You wanna explain, <em>kannik?"</em></p>
<p>Katara looks up in alarm. It's an old language of the water tribe, meaning snow. Sokka hasn't called her that since before her mother died. The word stirs some of her deepest memories, of bigger hands brushing over small cuts, hands trying to lift her body into the air. A small boy's joyous laugh. </p>
<p>Her mouth won't open. She's screaming, and yet her mouth won't open.</p>
<p>Zuko steps forward, almost imperceptibly. "Azula shot lightning at me," he says, his voice devoid of emotion. "Katara finished the duel and then healed me. She won the Agni Kai."</p>
<p>Aang clutches his stomach as though he's going to be sick. "That means... <em>she's </em>going to be the Fire Lord now?"</p>
<p>"It would seem to be that way," Zuko answers.</p>
<p>"I want to hear it from her," Aang says tremulously. For the first time in a long time, Katara sees Aang exactly as he is—a child. A petulant, broken child.</p>
<p><em>Aren't we all? </em>she thinks bitterly. </p>
<p>"Zuko's right," Katara finally says. The words leave her throat like knives scraping across a wall. "I won. I defeated her."</p>
<p><em>"No," </em>Aang hisses. "Zuko, challenge her to an Agni Kai. Reclaim your throne."</p>
<p>Zuko glances sideways at Katara before looking back to Aang. "It isn't that simple."</p>
<p>"You're <em>lying."</em></p>
<p>"He isn't," Toph mutters, somewhat unnecessarily.</p>
<p>Sokka walks over to Katara, putting his hands on her shoulders. "Katara. Talk to us."</p>
<p>"There's nothing to talk about," she sighs, pulling away from her brother. </p>
<p>"So what, you're just taking the throne?" Toph asks, pushing her hair away from her cloudy eyes. "No questions asked? Hello, I am from the <em>Water Tribe </em>and now I'm the Fire Lord?" She glances around, despite not being able to see. "I mean, are all of you stupid or what? If we wanted to end this war, this was absolutely not the way to do it, guys. This is going to make things a hundred times worse."</p>
<p>Zuko mumbles something under his breath that makes Suki look at him as though she might kill him. Katara glances sideways at him, hands hanging loosely at her sides. "What did he say?" she asks.</p>
<p>Suki crosses her arms, fingernails digging crescents into the skin. "He said you could handle it."</p>
<p>Zuko glances up. "I'm just saying we shouldn't underestimate Katara's capabilities."</p>
<p>"Maybe you believe in Katara too much," Aang spits. </p>
<p>"What, are you saying you <em>don't </em>believe in Katara?" Sokka asks, narrowing his eyes.</p>
<p>Aang blinks. "That's not what I meant to say at all and you guys know it. I just don't want her to be stuck in a horrible situation. I mean, do you guys have any idea how much danger she'll be in if she becomes Fire Lord? Toph's right. The war won't end if we go through with this. She'll be a target, and no matter how good of a diplomat she is, it'll become <em>impossible </em>to resolve conflict."</p>
<p>"Both of you are right," Katara sighs, sitting down. "I wish you had more faith in me, Aang. But you're also right about the rest. Nobody will be happy with a waterbender as the Fire Lord."</p>
<p>"And it seems like Zuko is perfectly content to do nothing and let Katara take the heat," Toph observes.</p>
<p>Zuko shoots to his feet, hands curling into fists. "I never said that. You know I don't want Katara to be in danger."</p>
<p>"So why do you want to sit back and do nothing?" Sokka asks. "Don't you want to be Fire Lord?"</p>
<p>He hesitates for a fraction of a second. Katara doesn't think anyone except her and maybe Toph notices it. "I do want to be Fire Lord."</p>
<p>"So figure out a way to be the Fire Lord," Suki implores.</p>
<p>"You could marry Katara," Toph suggests.</p>
<p>"Absolutely not," Aang says immediately.</p>
<p>"It doesn't work like that!" Zuko says indignantly. "Marrying the Fire Lord doesn't make you—well, the other Fire Lord. There's no point in me marrying her."</p>
<p>"There has to be something we could do," Katara murmurs bleakly. "Just challenge me, Zuko. I don't care if you hurt me—you don't need to kill me to defeat me in the duel."</p>
<p>He presses his hands into his eyes. "I can't—I can't just hurt you to become Fire Lord."</p>
<p>"For god's sake, Zuko, stop thinking about Katara for a second and think about your country," Toph hisses, but Aang shakes his head. "Wait," he says. "Wait, this is—"</p>
<p>"An impossible situation," Sokka finishes. "Every choice we have—"</p>
<p>"Hurts Katara," Zuko says. "And we don't want to do that."</p>
<p>"So you guys just want to decide that I'm a higher priority than ending a war?" Katara snaps. </p>
<p>"Do you even know what you want to do about this?" Toph asks her, arms crossed. </p>
<p>A heavy silence hangs over them all.</p>
<p>"I'll do it," Katara says after a moment. "I'll do it, alright? I'll become Fire Lord."</p>
<p>Zuko stands deathly still, and she wishes she could open a door and peer into his mind to try and understand how he feels about all of it. Does he hate her, for taking something he had evidently worked so hard for years to achieve?</p>
<p>"She'll need to be guarded," Aang says after a minute, his voice heavy with regret.</p>
<p>"The Kyoshi Warriors can take care of that," Suki says immediately. </p>
<p>"What are <em>you </em>going to do?" Katara asks Zuko, unable to hold it in anymore.</p>
<p>He keeps his eyes on his feet. "We all have things to figure out."</p>
<p>Zuko is gone before anyone can say anything else.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"You're braver than I thought, coming back here so soon. How long has it been, a day?"</p>
<p>"Several hours," Zuko replies, struggling to keep his voice even and his eyes on the floor.</p>
<p>
  <em>"Several hours."</em>
</p>
<p>He's silent, hands clasped.</p>
<p>"I hope you're happy now," Azula says softly from behind the bars. "You got what you wanted. You're Fire Lord now."</p>
<p>He can't bring himself to open his mouth and tell her the truth.</p>
<p>"If you're not going to say anything to me than you can <em>leave," </em>Azula continues. The command is evidently meant to be said in her old, arrogant drawl, but the words come out slightly shaky and uncertain. "And you can take Mother with you. She won't stop talking."</p>
<p>"Mother?" Zuko asks in alarm. "She's—"</p>
<p>"Asking about you now," Azula hisses, breathing ragged. "Always about you. Her favorite."</p>
<p>Zuko's hands curl into fists. "Mom isn't here, Azula."</p>
<p>"Hear that?" Azula says, but it's not to him. "He can't even see you, Mother. Guess he doesn't love you as much as you thought."</p>
<p>He backs away from the cell. "Shut up, Azula."</p>
<p>His sister begins to laugh. "At least she'll visit me. She'll talk to me. Night after night."</p>
<p>
  <em>Night after night.</em>
</p>
<p>He backs away from the cell.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"At least the place has nice sunsets," Aang tells her, a few nights before their coronation. </p>
<p>"Yeah, it really makes everything so much better," Katara mumbles. "Nice view."</p>
<p>When Aang is silent for a few minutes, Katara sighs and turns her head to face him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."</p>
<p>"It's okay," he says softly. "It's a stressful situation for everyone. I just wish there was more I could do."</p>
<p>There's something about his face that makes her pause. "Are you angry?"</p>
<p>"Why would I be angry?"</p>
<p>She shrugs.</p>
<p>Aang puts his chin in his hands. "I just feel as though I've lost a lot. I mean—I know you have, too. But I'm kind of upset about how things will never play out the way I wanted them to. Which isn't that big of a deal..."</p>
<p>"Tell me," she says. "Tell me what you wanted to do after the war."</p>
<p>Aang looks at her, his grey eyes shining. "What's the point of talking about things that'll never happen? It only makes everything hurt more."</p>
<p>"Maybe it won't this time. Sometimes it's fun."</p>
<p>Aang looks skeptical, but he shrugs, looking out at the sky. "You and I would—we would travel the world together. Just us. Rebuild places hurt the most by the war. And then—maybe one day you and I would—get married. We'd get married, and we'd have kids and we'd be perfectly set and happy."</p>
<p>Even as he says it, a small smile appears on his face, as if a part of him still believes in that reality. To Katara, he's never looked younger, and her heart aches at the sight of his faith in a childish dream. For some reason, she wants to remind him of the fact that his dream would never be a reality, but she can't bring herself to say so.</p>
<p>"It sounds like a good life," she says finally. </p>
<p>"It does, doesn't it?" he asks her, smiling. He leans in to kiss her.</p>
<p>A part of her wishes she could push him away, suddenly suffocating in his presence. When he pulls away, his face is drawn into a frown. "I—did I do something wrong?"</p>
<p>"No, Aang," she says gently. "You didn't do anything. But I just—you know that can never happen, right?"</p>
<p>He seems to wilt slightly. "Maybe it could. I could stay here with you in the Fire Nation."</p>
<p>She feels so exhausted that she can almost feel herself melting into the floor. "You're the Avatar, Aang. You can't just leave your duty behind to try and be with me."</p>
<p>"We can figure something out—"</p>
<p>"We won't," Katara says. "We won't, Aang."</p>
<p>He turns his face away from her. "So that's it, then?"</p>
<p>Katara remains silent. </p>
<p>"Don't you love me?"</p>
<p>Golden ceiling tiles. Night after night after night.</p>
<p>
  <em>It was never supposed to be like this.</em>
</p>
<p>Aang shakes his head, getting to his feet. "You're—you're one of my best friends. Always."</p>
<p>A part of her wants to ask him to stay—some part of her doesn't want this to be over yet. "It isn't the end of the world, Aang," she says, trying to keep her voice as kind as possible. "You're just—a kid. You don't have to have it all figured out."</p>
<p>"You're a kid, too," he argues.</p>
<p>"Exactly," she sighs.</p>
<p>When Aang speaks again, he is unable to keep just a touch of bitterness out of his voice. "I'll see you at your coronation, Katara."</p>
<p>Golden ceiling tiles, golden sun. Bleeding into the ocean in hues of red and orange, night after night.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Why do you keep coming back?"</p>
<p>"Someone has to check on you," Zuko says softly.</p>
<p>"You didn't come to check on me," Azula spits. "You came to speak to Father. I heard you screaming at each other all the way from here."</p>
<p>"I asked him where our mom was," he offers after a few minutes of silence. He doesn't understand why he keeps coming back here, trying to act civil as if Azula hadn't tried to murder him just a few days prior. </p>
<p>Azula's lip curls. "She's right here, idiot. Talks to me all the time. Night—"</p>
<p>"—after night," Zuko finishes under his breath with his sister. "That's not her, Azula. "I'm going to find her, for real."</p>
<p>"You won't."</p>
<p>He exhales shakily, unable to look her in the eye anymore. He never should have come.</p>
<p>As he's leaving, Azula speaks again. "The girl. I hope she makes you happy."</p>
<p>"Mai and I aren't—"</p>
<p>She snickers, leaning forward. "I wasn't talking about Mai, you moron. The other one. Water Tribe. I can see that you love."</p>
<p>"I love all of them," Zuko tells Azula. "Katara isn't different."</p>
<p>"Isn't she?" She smiles. It is a horrible sight. "Imagine having a Fire Lady from the <em>Water Tribe."</em></p>
<p>Zuko's fingers clutch his clothes. "Imagine that."</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Who let you in?" Katara asks quietly, the night after her coronation.</p>
<p>"I'm the prince of the Fire Nation," Zuko says, stepping into her bedroom. "Nobody really needs to <em>let </em>me in. I mean, I should've asked—"</p>
<p>"It's fine," she tells him. Zuko's eyes scan the room, pausing when they land on the delicate gold headpiece on the nightstand. "They all clapped and cheered for me. Everyone in Caldera City. But I know they didn't mean it."</p>
<p>He crosses his arms, rubbing his neck. "I'm—I'm really sorry, Katara."</p>
<p>"Does my safety really matter more than your nation, Zuko?"</p>
<p>His eyes flash with guilt. "Katara—"</p>
<p>"I know you had another reason," she says quietly. "I know you didn't really want to be Fire Lord. You don't have to tell me why, but I know there was another reason."</p>
<p>He glances at the Fire Lord headpiece again. "That's what I came to tell you. I'm leaving."</p>
<p>Katara's stomach drops to the floor. "What?"</p>
<p>Zuko glances away from the nightstand and back to her. "I spoke to my father and I found out where my mother is. And I'm going to find her."</p>
<p>"I—" <em>I need you here. I can't do this without you, I can't stay here alone without you, I can't—</em></p>
<p>"I'm sorry, Katara."</p>
<p>She turns away from him—if Katara keeps looking at Zuko, she might either kill him or start crying. </p>
<p>"I'm going to come back," he says, but his voice sounds muffled as if Katara hears it through water. "After I find her." She can't possibly think of anything to say in response to that.</p>
<p>"Katara, talk to me," Zuko breathes, and she's startled by how pleading his voice sounds. "Just say something."</p>
<p>"Leave," is all she can say. "Just leave."</p>
<p>She hears a small noise and turns her head, alarmed by the way Zuko's eyes shine—he's about to cry. And something about that sight makes everything a thousand times worse. <em>You can still stay. You can afford to stay for just a few days—</em></p>
<p>Katara turns away again. Zuko doesn't want to stay. That's the horrible truth.</p>
<p>The door clicks softly behind her about a minute later as it closes. And just like that, he's gone.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. return</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The air tastes sour and warm, as if Zuko's swimming in an electric current. It's a nice day, he supposes, but it has him on edge. It looks like even Kiyi can feel it—she's unusually contained, snappier than most days.</p><p>"Are you going to move or not?" she asks sharply when she catches Zuko lingering too long at the sink. </p><p>"Calm down, Kiyi," he mutters, pushing past her. "What's up with you today?"</p><p>"What's up with you?" she says in response, narrowing her eyes as she examines him with her brown eyes. "You're thinking about Katara again."</p><p>He ignores the guilt-ridden swoop of his stomach when Kiyi says her name. "I'm always thinking about her," Zuko sighs. </p><p>"Then maybe you shouldn't have left her," his little sister answers. Kiyi has a special talent for getting under people's skin, but with brutal honesty rather than malicious lies. "It's not my fault you're stuck regretting that."</p><p>"If I hadn't left then I wouldn't have met you," Zuko says, reaching out to touch her shoulders. She's tall for a nine-year-old. </p><p>"Was it worth it?" she replies, crossing her arms.</p><p>Zuko only hesitates for half of a second. "Of course it was."</p><p>Kiyi opens her mouth as if she wants to protest, but she's interrupted by a sound coming from the front of the house. "Stay inside," he tells her, pushing her shoulder.</p><p>"No, I wanna come!" she whines, but Zuko turns his head and vigorously shakes his head. </p><p>Ikem waits by the front door, the golden wedding band on his finger glittering. "It's Fire Nation."</p><p>Zuko's mother comes into the room, her face stretched tight with worry. "Mom, you stay inside," Zuko tells her. "I'll see what it is."</p><p>Ikem's hands twitch in the general direction of the box where he keeps Zuko's curved <em>dao. </em>Zuko shakes his head, hand reaching for the doorknob.</p><p>There are three guards outside, each wearing equally grim expressions. As he closes the door behind him, it begins to rain.</p><p>"Prince Zuko of the Fire Nation," the man on the right says. "We come with an important message."</p><p>"How did you know where I was going to be?" Zuko asks.</p><p>"We received the information from General Iroh."</p><p>His stomach drops. "Why would he—"</p><p>"The Fire Lord is dead," the guard in the middle says. "You must return to the palace."</p><p>Zuko's entire body seems to lurch at those words, and yet he hasn't even moved a muscle. A horrible cacophony of noise is starting to brew in the pit of his brain, crawling into the small spaces between his brain and turning his blood to ice.</p><p>"No," he says, as if he can will this into nonexistence. "I can't—" He shakes his head. "I need to go. <em>Now. </em>Take me to the Fire Nation."</p><p>"We're stationed here, but you can take one of our ostrich horses," one of the guards tell him. "Go now, and as fast as you can."</p><p>Zuko looks back at the door, where Ikem, his mother, and Kiyi stand. Zuko touches his heart when he glances at Kiyi—something that the two of them had come up with to say hello or goodbye. Kiyi raises her small hand to her own heart, her face unusually steely. Under the heavy blanket of fear, his heart aches with a longing to stay with her.</p><p>He can't stay. He could never stay.</p><p>Zuko runs.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>two years earlier</strong>
</p><hr/><p>"Please eat something."</p><p>"I'm not hungry, Uncle Iroh," Katara mutters.</p><p>Iroh crosses his arms, shaking his head. "And I thought you were the level-headed one. You are more like my nephew than I thought."</p><p>"Uncle Iroh, I really don't want to talk about Zuko."</p><p>He nods gravely and turns back to the tea he's making. A moment later, he brings it to Katara's desk.</p><p>"Iroh—"</p><p>"You never said you weren't thirsty. Believe me, you will feel much better after you drink."</p><p>Katara sighs and takes the warm cup of tea, staring into the depths. Iroh watches her with an oddly expectant expression, and he doesn't seem surprised when the tears finally come, dripping onto her red clothing.</p><p>"How could he leave like that?" she asks Iroh in between tears, her tea forgotten. "Why would he leave me?"</p><p>"My boy is good," Iroh says softly, putting a hand on Katara's shoulder as she cries. "But he is human—and therefore flawed, just like all of us."</p><p>"I needed him. I need him and he's gone."</p><p>
  <em>He could've waited. He could've waited before running off to find his mother.</em>
</p><p>The thought makes her feel guilty, but the shame doesn't overpower the anger and sorrow. He left her, and that's all there is to it.</p><p>Something else starts to form in the pit of her stomach that day. Some unfamiliar feeling, something deeper than anger or even pure fury. </p><p>Katara's tears drip onto her tightly closed fists.</p><hr/><p>Zuko isn't quite sure what he's expecting when he approaches the small house by the sea, but it isn't the small child sitting on the front steps, reading. For a minute, the girl on the steps looks like Azula, freezing Zuko in place.</p><p>And then it's gone, leaving a girl with brown eyes glaring at him.</p><p>"Who are you?" she asks, getting to her feet.</p><p>"I'm..."</p><p>All the words seem to disappear from his mouth and brain as a woman steps out onto the porch, black hair streaked with grey, amber eyes shining in the sunlight. </p><p>The word dangles at the tip of his tongue. <em>Mom?</em></p><p>She pushes past the young girl on the steps and runs to him, her hand rising to touch the ruined skin on his face. There's an earth-shattering guilt on the face so much like Zuko's own, and he fights back tears. He wants his mother to say something, apologize for leaving him with Ozai, tell him that she missed him, that she has always loved him, that she was waiting for him to come home.</p><p>Zuko's heart sinks at the undeniable horror in his mother's eyes. He has felt that horror, looking back at the Fire Nation palace as he left Caldera City. </p><p>"Oh, Zuko," Ursa says gently, pulling him into her arms. Warm, as she has always been. "I'm here. I'm here."</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>present day</strong>
</p><hr/><p>It's taking too long.</p><p>Every minute that passes is another minute that Katara's been dead. Another minute he's wasted. Another minute he could've had with her. Another smile, another word.</p><p>He feels as though he might cry again, but all the tears seem to have been wrung from his body, leaving nothing behind.</p><p>
  <em>Katara's gone.</em>
</p><p>She's gone, and he wasn't there, and the smallest part of him is happy that he won't have to face her after all that's happened.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>two years earlier</strong>
</p><hr/><p>A part of her waits and waits for a letter, a piece of news, <em>anything. </em>Foolishly, a part of her believes that Zuko still cares, that he'll write to her. If not with an apology, then at least to tell her how things are. Whether leaving her was worth it.</p><p>Running a nation isn't easy at all, and Katara does it alone. Even in the months following Azula's defeat, unrest has continued. And though Katara has pulled as many Fire Nation forces as she could from various parts of the world, stopping a war on the outside only lead to starting one on the inside. Iroh is there to help with being royalty, but he cannot be the Fire Lord for her.</p><p>That responsibility has fallen on Katara and Katara alone. And every time she remembers that, her heart breaks all over again.</p><p>It was never supposed to be her. She was supposed to be anywhere but here, with a smile on her face instead of a golden headpiece in her hair.</p><p>She misses all of her friends, but she thinks of <em>him </em>the most. At night, with the ceiling tiles bathing her in their gentle golden glow as her tears darken the pillow covers. Ceiling tiles melting as she sleeps, and sometimes she wonders if she'll wake up covered in a thin layer of gold when she wakes.</p><p>It was never supposed to be her, but it is. And Zuko is gone, living without misery and far away from the whole ordeal, a problem that wouldn't have even existed if he was just braver.</p><p>
  <em>Zuko.</em>
</p><p>She begins to dream of a kiss that never existed. A small piece of her brain still guarded against the hatred she now feels for him.</p><p>Oh, Katara misses him. She never wants to see him again, and yet she aches to fall into his arms, close her eyes and rest. She wants to be safely placed in between the sharp, familiar lines of Zuko's body. The curves and sharpness of his collarbones. </p><p>Katara still has a war to stop, but even that can't seem to stop her from thinking like the young girl she is. It's almost cruel, that she still has the capacity to be normal despite everything being tilted upside-down.</p><p>
  <em>Zuko.</em>
</p><p>She exhales softly. The bed will never quite be soft enough for her to sleep comfortably.</p><p>
  <em>I only get to have you in my dreams.</em>
</p><p>Katara closes her eyes.</p><hr/><p>She knows that the odds are entirely stacked against her. It's bad enough that she's a child, and apparently worse enough that she's a <em>girl. </em>Female Fire Lords seem to be a thing of incredulity and scorn here in the Fire Nation, seeing as they have never had one before her. And of course, she's a waterbender, and the perfect Fire Lord must be nothing like a <em>water tribe peasant.</em></p><p>Iroh has established some credibility for her among the other councilmen, but it can never be enough. They hate her, she is sure of it. Only a few people within the palace, like her attendant Daiyu, can actually stand her.</p><p>Katara keeps every door locked, every expression guarded. The horrible gold thing in her hair puts her in danger every single day, every single minute of every hour.</p><p>Daiyu is the second person she trusts in the entire palace after Iroh, but it takes time. She's quiet and she never asks questions, and Katara admires that about her immediately. She thinks she would explode if someone tried to push her to talk about how she felt. So every night it's just her and Daiyu, and a brush running slowly and steadily through her hair. It's not like Daiyu <em>doesn't </em>talk—within a month or so, she's gotten good enough at picking up on Katara's moods in order to determine whether she should talk about trade reports or flower arrangements.</p><p>And Daiyu never calls Katara 'Fire Lord.' She understands that it may be in part a lasting spiteful act towards Azula, but Katara can also assume that Daiyu is just that good at reading people that she knows exactly what to do and what not to do.</p><p><em>She'd make a perfect Fire Lord, </em>Katara thinks to herself sometimes with a sigh.</p><p>When some of the shock from becoming Fire Lord has worn off in the months after the coronation, Katara finally gathers the courage to start answering in the conversations, to start opening up, piece by piece. She learns that Daiyu is seventeen and that she wanted to be a Kyoshi warrior, but had gotten stuck as an attendant due to her mother's position as the same.</p><p>"You could leave," Katara tells Daiyu one night. "Right now. I won't stop you."</p><p>"I'm gonna see this through, 'Tara," Daiyu answers quietly. She doesn't usually call Katara this, and Katara doesn't usually like nicknames, but she likes it when Daiyu says it. It makes Katara feel more like a real person, and after so many years of being the older sibling, she likes how Daiyu makes her feel like a younger sister. "I'm not going anywhere until this war is over."</p><p>
  <em>If only you weren't the only one to have that thought.</em>
</p><p>She has to keep going. She has to take it one step at a time. Katara wants to be anything but the Fire Lord, but there's no going back now, and there's no point in moping about it.</p><p>And with Iroh and Daiyu with her, with Aang and Toph and Sokka and Suki visiting, it should almost be bearable. There's one critical name missing from that list, but he's made his choice, and he's made hers, too. </p><p>One step at a time.</p><hr/><p>There's a big field by his mother's house that Zuko likes to go to, and lie down. He's not sure about how he feels about the others living in the house—his mother's husband Ikem, who goes by Noren at the village, and his—his half-sister Kiyi. A small, serious seven-year-old who glares at him whenever he's in the same room as her, so Zuko has learned early on that he should probably ignore her. Ikem is nice enough to Zuko, but he can't feel as though he is a living reminder of how much Ozai has hurt Ursa—his mother tells him that she and Ikem were engaged before she was forced into an arranged marriage with Zuko's father.</p><p>So here he is, lying alone in a field that seems to stretch for miles despite the oncoming storm clouds.</p><p>
  <em>What now?</em>
</p><p>Zuko has dreamed and dreamed and dreamed of finding his mother. He dreamed of falling into her arms, and he dreamed that all of his friends would be with him. He dreamed that the war would be over, that all of the pieces would fall perfectly into place.</p><p>But there are too many pieces, too many memories, and Zuko knows all too well that he doesn't belong here. And he can't help but wonder if his mother sees Ozai whenever she looks at him.</p><p>The same way he sees Azula when he looks at Kiyi.</p><p>To be fair, Kiyi doesn't really much like Azula at a first glance, but there are smaller, less significant details that make the hairs on the back of Zuko's neck stand up. The same slightly upturned nose, the same set of the mouth. </p><p>Above him, it begins to rain. The raindrops roll down his face like tears, with no one to bend the rain away, to take his hand and tell him that everything will make sense again.</p><hr/><p>Kiyi finds him one day, sitting down solemnly in front of him in the grass.</p><p>"You're my brother," she tells him. A statement rather than a question.</p><p><em>Half-brother, </em>Zuko wants to say, but he just nods. "I am."</p><p>"Mom told me about you once," Kiyi murmurs. "I don't think she meant to. She was sick, and when she was asleep she said your name. And the next morning when I asked her who that was, she told me about you."</p><p>Zuko blinks. "She did?"</p><p>Kiyi reaches out to put her small hand on Zuko's arm. "She missed you a lot. And I always wanted to see you. I didn't really think you were real for a while."</p><p>"Well, I'm here now," Zuko says, a little unnecessarily. </p><p>"What about the other one? Your other sister? Mom talked about her, too."</p><p>His heart drops to his feet. "Azula?"</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>"She's not here."</p><p>Kiyi pouts and crosses her arms. "I know <em>that. </em>I'm not stupid, you know."</p><p>"No, I mean she..."</p><p>Zuko trails off, picking his next words carefully. "She's not—"</p><p>"Is she dead?"</p><p>He looks at Kiyi in alarm before nodding. "Yeah."</p><p>"Oh." She observes him for a while. "At least I still have a brother."</p><p>Zuko can't help it; he smiles slightly, trying to ignore the way his stomach turns with the lie he just told.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>present day</strong>
</p><hr/><p>As a kid, Zuko always liked the rain. He hates it now, every stinging pinprick of water hitting him with the force of an airship.</p><p>A part of him almost believes that Katara is sick rather than—than the way she is now. He almost believes that when he finally makes it to the Fire Nation palace, she will be there, arms open, her soft hair against his cheek.</p><p>He'll never see her like that again, he realizes. She will never smile at him again, never speak a word to him again. She will never even gaze upon him with anger, which would be a thousand times better than her never looking at him at all.</p><p><em>You have to keep moving, </em>a voice says gently, louder than the dull roar of the rain around him. Katara's voice, as it has been for a long, long time. And it'll probably the only way he'll ever hear her voice again. And eventually the memory of her voice will fade, leaving behind a voice that might have never been hers.</p><p>Zuko keeps moving, as the rain seeps into his clothes, chilling him to the bone.</p><hr/><p>When he arrives at the palace a few days later, he is greeted by Uncle Iroh, who looks upon him with regret.</p><p>"Come inside," he says in lieu of a greeting. Zuko's in too much shock to reply, merely letting his uncle guide him into a private room before he sits down to start making tea.</p><p>"Uncle," he says softly. "Uncle, she—"</p><p>"There's something that you should know," Iroh says softly. "Katara—"</p><p>The door flies open, and Zuko's heart shoots to his throat. Leaning heavily in the doorway with a tall woman behind her, stands Katara.</p><p>Zuko's cup of tea falls to the floor and he just stares for a long time.</p><p>"Katara," the woman behind her says, grabbing her shoulders. "Katara, come on, you have to go back to bed."</p><p>"Let <em>go, </em>Daiyu," Katara murmurs, before turning to Iroh. "I'm gonna talk to later."</p><p>Iroh merely sighs and refills his tea.</p><p>"You," she murmurs, looking at Zuko. "You shouldn't be here."</p><p>"Shouldn't be here?" he asks weakly. "You're <em>dead, </em>Katara. That's what I heard."</p><p>"Whoever told you that has old information," she says. She is even more beautiful than she was when he left, even when she's clearly struggling to stand and there are large bags under her sharp, blue eyes. Her hands tremble against the red silk she wears—another alarming detail. "I—I want you to leave, Zuko."</p><p>"Leave?"</p><p>"Get out," she spits. "Go back to where you came from."</p><p>Zuko gets to his feet, nearly tripping over himself to get to her. "Please, Katara, just listen—"</p><p>For someone who's clearly very ill, she moves fast, even if it's with less grace than usual. She stumbles and falls onto him and together they fall to the floor. He can barely register her proximity to him before he spots something sharp and gleaming at his throat—a gleaming icicle.</p><p>"It was so easy for you to stay away these past two years," she tells him, freezing Zuko with the intensity of her gaze. "Why'd you come back now, huh?"</p><p>He takes a deep breath, and then another. "Let me up," he murmurs softly.</p><p>Katara doesn't move for a moment, and he worries for a second that she might actually kill him.</p><p>One minute. Two.</p><p>Slowly, unsteadily, she rises to her feet. When Zuko stands, he reaches out to grab her elbows to steady her, but she backs away. "Don't touch me," Katara tells him, and Zuko steps back as well, swallowing. </p><p>
  <em>She's alive.</em>
</p><p>"Please," he breathes, putting a hand on the back of his neck. "Let me stay here. I—"<em>What is he even supposed to say or do now? </em>"I'm not going to leave you again, Katara. I promise."</p><p>Behind her, Daiyu puts a hand protectively on Katara's back.</p><p>"Your promise means nothing to me, Zuko," she tells him, and though the words are harsh, she sounds more tired than angry now. "And I don't want you here."</p><p>"Well, <em>I </em>want to be here," he counters. "For you. I'm sorry, alright? I know I wasn't before, but I'm here now, if that means anything."</p><p>"It doesn't," Katara murmurs before turning around and letting Daiyu help her walk out of the room.</p><p>Zuko looks despairingly at Iroh, who sighs. "Stay here until tomorrow," his uncle says. "And see how it goes."</p><p>Tears sting the backs of his eyes.</p><p>"You never should have left, Zuko," Iroh says softly. </p><p>"I know," he replies.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>comments and kudos keep me alive !!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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